I love backpacking and hiking gear. I am a gear head. Dale is a gear head. Psst! I actually think he’s worse than me! He loves to research the latest and greatest that technology and his pocketbook will allow. Anything to make our experience a more comfortable one! As a friend of mine always says,”Your trip is only as good as the gear you take”.
My gear enables me to enjoy the outdoors. I have a great backpack. It’s designed especially for women, saves my back and fits my hips like a glove. I have hiking poles with shock absorbers built into them to help save my knees. I have the latest and greatest in clothing to keep me cool, dry, warm and from getting sunburned. I have the best lightweight waterproof boots for my feet. My sleeping bag is down. My tent is waterproof and has LED lights built into it. All my gear is meant to make my trip the most enjoyable it can be, with the exception of one thing.
I’m a girl. And you know what that means? It means I’m not built like a boy. I can’t draw my name in the snow. It means when nature calls, I have to shed my gear, unzip my pants and squat in the woods. It means I have to be careful what spot I choose to be one with nature. Stinging Nettle or Poison Ivy can ruin a squat in the woods quicker than anything else. So can a hornet…
So with that thought in mind, the hunt was on for a device that would shorten my bathroom break, would keep me from having to shed gear to pull down my pants and would also eliminate the need to keep a sharp eye out for foliage or insects which might invade my privacy. A female urination device (FUD) to be exact ~ I’m uncomfortable with the word, “urination”. It sounds so vulgar. Just like the words, “pee”, “crap”, and “shit in the woods”. I can’t say them without scrunching my face like I just bit into a lemon. Now ask me to say, “poop’, “potty” and “tinkle”, and you’ve got my attention and I’m giggling like a junior high schooler. I compare those words like I would compare the stench of dead animals to rainbows. Guess how the word placement fits on that spectrum…
I scanned the internet. I cautiously shopped the isles of REI and Cabela’s, while keeping a watchful eye out for any salesperson who might ask me if I needed help. Is this what a guy feels like when he’s buying condoms for the very first time? Sweaty palms, heart pounding in your ears, dry mouth and expelling gibberish when asked if there’s anything you need? Yikes!! All I want to do is to be able to go potty in the woods without all the production.
Finally, I found something that looked cute, discreet and user friendly!
I even liked the name, “Go Girl”. Like, “you go girl ~ that’s right!” “That’s the way to do it ~ I’ll never let you down.” “I’ll be there for you
whenever you feel the urge ~ my new best friend in the woods!!” The reviews for the product sang praises for ease of use. Women from all over love this de
vice. This must be the one for me!
I read the packaging ~ wow! I can use this anywhere! This is glorious! The instructions said I should practice with it a few times to get the routine down. Psh… Practice? I don’t need no stinkin’ practice, I just wanta play the game! But, being the team player I am, I practiced. Or attempted to.
I thought I’d try it out in my backyard. You know, to mimic being in the wild outdoors. I stood in the middle of the yard with my pants down around my knees ~ I looked around and thought, “This is a bad idea”. What if a meter reader came through? What if my neighbor’s son just happened to be home and looked out his second story window that overlooks my back yard? What if my other neighbor came out and looked over the fence to say, “Hi” like he normally does? What if my husband came home in the middle of the day?
Then I had a fantastic idea! I’ll go upstairs into the shower and try it out! No muss, no fuss! I took my clothes off (like I would be totally naked in the woods, right?), got into the shower and tried to use the Go Girl ~ my best friend ~ the one thing that has my back (or front). I positioned it like it said in the instruction ~ Okay. Now I can’t go to the bathroom. Not a single drop came out. Really?? Okay. Let’s run some water. I turned the shower on, which only resulted in me getting wet. I repositioned the Go Girl and…. still nothing. Great. Now what? Drink lots of water! So I positioned my mouth under the shower head and proceeded to drink massive quantities of water, which only resulted in me getting full and totally drenched.
Why does this have to be so frickin’ hard? All I want is to be able to go to the bathroom in the woods without pulling down my pants. That’s not asking for much…. Well, apparently, it is.
While I was thinking about what to do next, the urge hit me. Yes!! Here it comes!! Position that Go Girl and let it do it’s stuff! Wait, why is there no suction like there is supposed to be? I bent over, trying to see what went wrong. I fiddled with it a bit and just when I thought I had it right, the bodily fluid flowed. Right. Down. My. Leg. Yeah, you have a vision right now…. What in the hell?
I envisioned myself in the woods when nature calls, using the device, only to return from my potty break with wet pants. Seriously? Am I that technologically challenged that I cannot use this device?? Is my body not built for these things? It’s because I’m older and have squirted out two children and things are kind of saggy now, right? That’s it!! My body is old and run down, I can’t help it and the Go Girl can’t help me.
The Go Girl ended up in the trash and I still squat in the woods. And I’m good with that.